I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
I think my tv knows when im high and tells taco bell
if my spotter knew I was listening to the Wicked soundtrack on my iPod, I wouldn't even be mad if he dropped the barbell on my throat
I need some transition time from spring break.. can we day drink between classes this week?
Clothes are such an inconvenience.
Nah the bridesmaids all had dates. I slept with the next best thing: girl who WANTED to be a bridesmaid but didnt make the cut.
Lost my virginity in a banana suit. Glad I waited.
im the best fifth wheel. all four of them separately bribed me to never speak of what happened last night
I just hooked up with the same bartender my dad cheated on my mom with in the 90s. Not sure how this makes me feel.
family traditions my good sir
Props to the guy blatantly doing coke in the bathroom at the bar. Walked out of the stall with a credit card in hand, sniffing loudly and shouting "choo choo"
My neck is PURPLE. This is NOT a good day to be indoctrinated by the cardinal...
My ex is having a baby and I'm over here planning my dogs birthday celebration...
When is the party?
Just ignore the penis. It's won't bother you. I promise.
Dude I may be rolling but there's no way I can make up a 12 ft tall giant green man waving to me right now
False alarm, security just told me it's a radio tower
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
Randomize