just come out here and I will go home with you...
i can't believe i never thought of this: farticle man
i love how i spend my mornings exploring my phone to see what i did last night.
Just watched the couple I sit for and 4 of their friends shotgun beers like college kids. Please let this be us when we get older.
I'm in the Wal Mart stall where we found out you weren't pregnant. This is where I'm going to propose to you. I feel like that would be the most romantic
This guy randomly got in our taxi, and has now collapsed on the sofa anouncing that he's staying the night.
Claiming territory at this party means signing a girls ass...I've got dibs on a blonde
Besides. I seriously had a dream that George W Bush came over and slapped some tabs down on my kitchen counter and said "let's get juiced.". It was a sign to not get too fucked up
work has become about six times more interesting since i started fucking my boss.
On Wednesday I'm putting wine in a water bottle and crashing Margaret thatchers funeral
The police report said "I asked the suspect if he had any identification. He replied yes and gave me a Pizza Hut gift card"
If the fate of the world hinged on some chubby girl getting laid, the president would dispatch me with a fifth of Jameson immediately and then rest easy.
HE STARTED HUMMING THE THEME TO STAR WARS!! WHILE I'M SUCKING HIS DICK!!
Its only once in a life time you get to pick your vcard swiper up from jail
i'm in a very strange mood rn i'm listening to bruno mars??? am i ok????
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