but i really can't criticize. i blacked out waaaaaay ahead of schedule.
Are you okay?
Don't worry. Self-respect preserved. My speech was Grey's quality... I made him cry.
First rule of pills: If you can't remember what it is, take half.
No I'm not okay I had a crush on the singer of Tokio Hotel for four months and now you tell me he's a dude?
I just cleaned your Jaeger vomit off my car with a knife. Don't ever say I don't love you.
If you wake up soonish don't worry. I took your dog to burger king and now we're going to see some nice girls.
This is the third time that ive slept with him. He bought me more milk. I can feel the romance growing.
Responsible roommate: 1. Someone who takes a huge shit at work so as not to clog the toilet at home.
No lie. I was hooking up with a former football player at UT and mid-hookup I yelled "I'M FRATERNIZING WITH THE ENEMY"
I don't know, I think having hemorrhoids shows character. You have to be trying pretty hard to get them.
I have an empty apartment, Chinese food, and fresh batteries in my vibrator. There's nothing on this earth that could lure me out tonight.
PLEASE LET MY BIRD FUCK YOUR BIRD
Wanna guess where my charger was last night.....in my cooler with my beer. I put it in there because I knew I would never forget my beer.
You just can't go back to being friends with someone after you sucked their balls
THERE IS WATER LITERALLY DRIPPING OFF OF THE CHANDELIER. I OFFICIALLY HAVE THE WORLD'S WORST RAINFALL SHOWER HEAD.
Randomize
