i'm almost one hundred percent positive that i have a warrant out for my arrest in this city. i also don't give a fuck because im drinking TEQUILAAAA
I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
Only my sister would update her facebook status while going into labor.
i feel like arbor mist is too classy for that. you need a colt 45
Yeah you're right. The one time when arbor mist is too classy
Just ducktaped my beer to my bike. See you in ten.
Kill yourself wednesday started off with a bang, and im pretty sure im still drunk from tequila tuesday.
Used my jumper cables as a bottle opener last night. Really pleased with my problem solving skills.
I distinctly remember seeing your nipples from the deck.
Currently behind the bar at some asian place, pouring drinks for everyone with a snake around my neck
I just took the cheapest shot in your honor
I'm with the hottest fuckin fire fighter right now. I'm ready to fake my own death.
i just wrote an ode to an enchilada dorito. i'll need that pregnancy test now please.
Was booty called last night and I was so blacked out that my roomie made me puke before going to "eye of the tiger." Why I'm still single is beyond me
Last time we had sex i was dressed like a ninja turtle and someone else was in our bed, so this time should be fine.
I hope ur kiddin
wish i was
i can feel my liver failing just LOOKING at that thing
Randomize
