Dear tim. Christina farted and it smells like kid roses.
I told her at least we still had each other. That's when she started crying.
I am telling you that nothing wakes you up like stomach acid exiting your nostrils at 10AM
you dragged me by my throat over to the shots. this is a new level of alcoholism..
you proceeded to scream out that it's your birthday to everyone who walked by before you collapsed in the middle of the street. happy 21st birthday to you.
I fed him pizza in bed. I'm probably the best one night stand ever.
Just for the record its a bit awkward when you introduced me to your friends at your house as your brother and then insisted in front of them that I sleep in your bed with you
think of it as grooming, as if he is my Kate Middleton and I'm grooming him to be a presentable princess
I convinced every single one of my cousins to bring me a glass of wine. I was the alcoholic queen and they were my subjects.
I immediately knew he was tripping, he came over with a grocery bag of snow balls and a bike helmet on and asked if I was prepared to die for my country.
Happy Birthday. May your liver respect you, fat bitches neglect you, hangovers reject you, and AA accept you.
Must say, as a couple, she and I are thrilled that our pretend lesbianism has paid off.
I've had to do a couple req orders today and I would like to submit to you an order form to requisition DAT ASS
Friends don't let friends put redi whip in their wine
Well if you don't want to be kicked out before last call don't I would suggest stop drinking whiskey and don't call the giant bouncer with the neck tattoo "princess"
Randomize
