Why the fuck was there a shirtless Mexican in my apartment this morning?
The remote chance that I may get a blowjob is about the only reason I have a shower every day.
your facebook page is a work of drunk art.
I'm sorry I compared your vagina to nascar
Don't make fun of the drunk girl eating bread out of her pockets. I've been that girl.
You kept saying you we're gonna puke and wanted to steal my pants
That does not explain the remnants of a small fire in my bathtub.
I got so drunk last night that I drunk texted myself. "hand jobs are the currency of the future"
How about we just have a naked taco night instead?
you know that australian accents are like the bat signal to my vagina
Rome wasn't built in a day - my bedroom skills weren't obtained in some boring monogamous relationship. Same thing. Right?
So my POF profile is full of Archer references. Only guys who get them will be getting any response to their messages.
Some guy is here to get laser hair removal on his balls. I hate my job.
I hope you know, that by sending me a cat meme back, you've entered in a cat picture battle; which never has an end in sight.
The duel has begun.
So uh. Your future in porn. Would you be willing to wear an alien costume for it?
Your participation in the democratic process makes me horny AF
Randomize
