ha- omfg whatt the fuck is wrong w me. Alcohol+third cousins= bad decisions
I can't believe he cheated
Whatever. Anytime she has an orgasm, it's because I taught him how
when a girl feels in her heart, the way she feels in her vagina, anything is possible.
Would it be a dick move to report the suite next-door for a noise violation? They're singing Bad Romance off-key and I'm not sure if I can allow that.
I know you don't remember, but the teeth marks on my face say it happened.
Dude. This guy has a ketchup bottle full of jello shots. Best. Thing. Ever.
I made her a sippy cup with eggnog and whiskey. My meditation app told me to go the extra mile for someone today, so I did.
puking in a sink with a garbage disposal Fucking. Rules. It's like you're punishing your puke when you're done.
The next time i black out make sure i remove the ping pong balls from my weave. Especially before my first day of classes.
Bro what are you doing Thursday the day before I go to jail??
Just watched a guy ride a bike off his roof into his pool. On my way to the liquor store, picking you up in 20
The best part about this city is obvious. Someone saw me crouching by a bar pissing in my leftover Panera bread bowl and they just winked.
You handed J your Mayan-pocalypse shopping list and told him he wasn't getting laid unless he brought everything on it. Where is he supposed to get a live goat?!
I'm sensing a Yuletide blow job in your future and by future I mean tomorrow
I made a joke about The Hemingway being a really boring sex position where you blandly describe all the action and then kill yourself after you orgasm. He stopped responding. I've GOT to stop talking to everyone like they're you.
Randomize