She showed me her prom dress from 2001, which still had her date's cum stain on it.
Oh, so that's why you call her jizzarella....
Talk me down man. Writing a paper drunk and about to buy Celine Dion's greatest hits.
Well, she's officially disappointed in me. I have it writing.
Yes. I am getting trashed on an open tab while judging a karoke competition
Impressive. I approve.
Two dudes. Loud music. Dancing shirtless possibly naked. Why would I ever need cable?!
The bartender just hugged us goodnight. I think we go there too often.
Also, I've found a new way to get drunk at work for free. Everytime I make a bushwhacker and there's extra... I put it in a cup. Its the Never ending drink.
I just got my beard fondled by a drunk chick outside the venue. I feel slightly violated. And I think her boyfriend wanted to fight me.
I just woke up on an unfamiliar floor, my shoes are gone, my suits covered in red lipstick and chocolate, and Im wearing sunglasses that say "Maid of Honor".God damnit I love this country.
good news: smoking weed at school again, quality of life has improved drastically
I just put Gatorade in my wine, cause electrolytes, you know.
This little girl and her dad are walking behind me. "Why is he wearing pajamas?" Mind your own business, kid.
I know I say this every year but 2015 will be the year I finally have sex with David's sister
I got to my internship late... with a bag of chipotle and sex hair.
Drunk me wants sober me to be happy, woke up with half a dozen doughnuts in my bed this morning.
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