so... i had sex tonight
with a midget
nicccce tits for a little person
looks like were buying each other an abortion for our one year present...
dude, she was giving me a lapdance and her thong had a skid mark. no I did not hit it.
I'm full of awesome ideas
Yesss you are. Im full of confusion. I keep finding peanut butter on my legs...
apparently I kept yelling at her that I wanted t-Rex sized lines. awesome
well on a positive note i hear those vitamins you take while pregnant do wonders for your nails
He looked down at his phone and screamed "I'M NOT A DAD!" and then bought the entire bar a round
this is not real life
it never is. after midnight never counts.
He never broke character while fucking me on the neighbor's lawn. I give him a 10 for his dedication to the British accent.
I need to stop ravaging the freshman dorm like a virginity-snatching dragon.
Looks like a took a video of myself beating off and passed out last night. I'm classy.
Welcome to Missouri, the show me your genitals state.
I am at 99 matches in less than 24 hours, I need a tinder rehab program
Morning! Got your 3am VM to remind you to get up for spin class and also confirm you were not murdered by the sketchy guy at brunch yesterday. So this is your literal and metaphorical wake up call.
I’m drunk and naked and looking for my charger - title of my autobiography.
Randomize
