hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands
I wish I could test you the smell I just had to experience. It smelled like this lady was microwaving squirrel rectum.
I feel like hell. The amount of black beans I found in my hair tells me I hit rock bottom
she wouldn't play beer pong with me unless I took off the rollerskates.
I respect you for how well you shave your vagina. It isn't easy and my dick faces out, not in.
Sent him a picture of my pregnant boobs from last year, think he'll notice the difference?
Also, what is a socially acceptable way to introduce a crossbow in public?
COOKIE DOUGH CUPCAKES ARE A THING
Did you really just send me a blank text in response to news as awesome as that?
The rest of the concert I just stared at the lights and didn't really listen to the music cuz I was trying to make sure my brain still worked cuz my face was numb and I couldn't move... Yeah I'm not a weed brownie person
You're lucky I'm tired or I'd take a pic of me mounting a reindeer yard decoration
I truly wish I could say I pulled my groin straddling our cab driver but unfortunately I cannot
This is worse than naked and afraid. This is drunk and confused.
Overall a good night - broke my toe giving that cop a blowjob though...so there's that...
Well, I can now cross "dirty drunk homeless hobo" off of my bucket list of people who have been successful wingmen for me. North Carolina is getting weird.
I made a powerpoint to trip to.
you are so studious.
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