I cant date a girl that sucks dick at sucking dick
I know this is weird, but can you ask your girlfriend if she has my mailbox?
Seriously?
100%
just added God to my list of friends who can only see my limited profile on facebook. its such a relief to know that He can't watch me fuck up my life anymore.
the spit in my mouth is still 99% not mine.
Sorry about blasting sandstorm on a loop when i left for work this morning. But maybe this will teach you to not come home trashed on a tuesday night with some chick and have loud sex till 4 in the morning. The walls are thin, remember?
oh my god. were standing in the kitchen and were chanting "EYEBROWS" and shaving peoples eyebrows. I have work tomorrow and want to keep my eyebrows.
Dude that bathroom stall was not tall enough to be doing lines in, guys kept peeking over and giving us high fives
Jus saw ur date getting a bj in the mcdonalds parking lot...u want anything?
Was I at least a good cuddler? Like at least honorable mention?
Stop calling dibs on everything with a vagina you jackass.
That should be the title of my autobiography.
almost dropped my phone in the toilet but it somehow bounced off my tit and landed on the floor. Boobs: saving me hundreds of dollars in bar tabs and smartphones since '09
I got myself off in the shower last night for the first time ever! I just looked like I was playing a game of twister.
I hooked up with the sexiest couple in the LAX BATHROOM IN THE CHANGING FAMILY ROOM HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAA
I need to stop using "I went to the Harry Potter theme park" as my pickup line.
Its one of those days... someone might die
Would a picture of my dick help?
Randomize
