That's kind of creepy but I guess since I'm wearing your dad's pants nothing is off limits anymore
i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
i wish peter jackson would direct porn
I forget the details, but I'm told that I drunkenly stalked him around floor yelling obscure Jewish laws at him
I'm doing lines by myself in the kitchen. I think your outside. yeah that's you. your naked.
Why are you always at the walk in clinic, Lady Chlamydia?
You're not allowed to make that my permanent nickname.
Having my alarm go off at 3:30 makes me wanna rip my dick off and shove it through my eye socket
did the fire alarm go off at the party last night I kind of remember a fire alarm noise
omg omg i ripped it out of the ceiling omg
Want to go home, so casually slip my underwear in his pocket. Never seen him grin so big and say goodbye to his friends.
Dude you asked your tattoo if it wanted to go swimming
How much more is Amanda Bynes going to rip out our hearts?!?!?
Today, my weed came in a pokéball. I officially love my dealer.
this is a save-me-from-tijuana-tequila-and-hoookers booty call. if i don't hear from you by 8pm i'm grabbing my passport
if i'm not back tomorrow call the embassy
I woke up upside down with my head in your ottoman and like a foot of space between the ottoman and chair.. My legs were straight up in the air... Yes. Your mother found me.
I’m 95% positive I adopted a bunny last night.
You had cocktails, didn’t you?
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