I never thought I'd hear the words "aww you pulled out" and "you're so sweet" in the same sentence.
everyone has their kryptonite. mine just happens to be 18 year old blonde girls.
i thought i was the drunkest one there til some girl puked in the tip jar.
Today was the day I stopped kidding myself and started buying the handle of vodka.
She pointed at me and told her friend, I'm going to fuck him, its going to be really loud, so yes, i need the whole basement.
then he asked me if i wanted to "handle his wingman"
Remember middle school health class where we used to say that when we lost our vcards we would be on the pill, using a condom, and have had our partners tested first? We were so optimistic.
you called me in the middle of the night, wandering the streets, in search of "the ultimate burrito"
dont call me baby and dont touch my ears. ITS ALL I ASK
Look if you're not going to be mine and take care of my needs, I'm going to fuck your sisters.
I was thinking about getting her an edible arrangement for an engagement gift. You want in?
I'm buying her a drink and not telling her to dump his ass. that's my gift.
Bartender at the wedding asked if he was making my drinks too strong. I laughed at him.
think I signed up for a 5k last night while blackout.
Going to put that on my resume. "Only accidentally snapchatted my titties to all of my friends once."
I'm very disappointed that your kitten almost ate my weed cake...
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