what the fuck. my fiance told me she called our wedding band last night and told them to perform "best i ever had" for our first dance
Piggyback rides are my preferred mode of transportation.
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
Luke did at least 8 shots of pure mayonnaise last night. I am not sure if that is better or worse than my 2 cement mixers?
Its bad when you wake up with a penis drawn on your face. Its worse when you find out its traced..
So to recap Superbowl Sunday - I won $100, bumped into the anti-christ and his cult, met a guy in a kilt and a wican, then got invited to a gayguy afterhours party.
Gonna be tough to beat that next year!
Just sucked some sandy dick on a boardwalk & now I'm at a family reunion hbu
there was a keg and pinata at my uncles funeral, and a bunch of scary looking biker dudes showed up to pay their respects. i need to strive to be more like him.
Have you considered sword swallowing? Something about that bj tells me you could make a it a career.
I just traded sex to frolic with a box of husky puppies. Is this rock bottom?
I did a line of coke with my ex tonight. Talk about memories
For 15 minutes straight, he literally did every accent there was, from Russian to Bostonian. The issue: no one could determine whether he was sober, wasted, or anywhere in between
On a scale of 1 to hungover I’m definitely throwing up at the office today.
What? No, wine isn't my weakness, I just love it.
I gotta do like a month's worth of catch-up personal hygiene today in prep for Christmas so extended family doesn't ask if I'm depressed.
Randomize
