mark tries to be a total badass to make up for the fact that he's a poor man's pete wentz
I just got hit in the face by an old lady love handle.
Sign #1 this conference will suck: Ice breaker question, how many proud virgins do we have in the room, overwhelming response. Looks like I'm not getting laid this weekend.
what did gay clubs do before lady gaga
I've thrown up so many times in the third floor bathroom of Baldwin that they should probably just go ahead and name it after me.
things I have learned from cosmo today- 40% of guys are uncircumsized, you can have a beer facial, and i really need to get tested for std's
I'm wearing boardshorts as underwear to work. This is bachelorhood
It was at that moment that I realized I was alone. Alone and drunk on an Epcot ride.
I've come to realize sober is a rare time of the day.
The stoned girl at the dining hall just handed me a single chicken wing and insisted that she's "unable to procure more rations"
Let me know when ur ready so I can throw up one last time then brush my teeth
tonight were gonna drink champagne and watch girls put themselves in awkward position
Sorry about waking up naked in your bed this morning.
After a while I was so wet that I started crying. HE MADE ME SO HORNY I WEPT.
I feel like that japanese guy who ate all the hotdogs. Except replace hotdogs with sailor jerrys. And instead of a trophy and world record I just get a hangover at work
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