I regularly think about how cool your nickname is
dude sorry about putting my finger in your butt last nite i was wasted and thought it was mine
what's for breakfast?
Advil and throwup
I just febrezed the jizz on my pants and wore them again, gross or eco-friendly?
Eco-friendly.
Pass out mid-funnel last night.
Before we started fucking, he laid me on the bed, and asked my what my sleep number was, so that i would be "comfy"
APPARENTLY giving your friend one of your shoes so that you avoid the no shoes no service rule makes you drunk...
The a/c is broken so they cut a softball size whole in the freezer door. Goodbye deposit.
I need to get skinnier so that I know when pregnancy scares are real...
Just because you put plan b in my Easter basket doesn't give you an excuse not to wear a condom.
Delete her number from his phone. He keeps slurring how he's going to get her "all sorts of pregnant".
We should start a Help That Bitch Out Fund and split the donations evenly between you two.
how does someone with a Masters Degree leave poop in an ashtray in the sink? It just blows my mind
You should frame my arrest warrant.
I'm about to play another round of who's panties are in my car.
Randomize
