wait, did i just see you litter out your window??
umm, i have a hybrid. it cancels out.
So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
The way you explained my vagina was exactly the way I would of described my breakfast burrito.
I just remembered I gave a homeless man a ride to his bridge last night.
Its like im going on a blind date, but ive already had sex with her
btw, i had a dream i drank 260-proof vodka last night. thank god that doesn't exist in real life.
Come help me clean. I know we won't be getting our security deposit back...but I would like to move out with our dignity.
I wanted to take a shower but I forgot we made applesauce in it last night.
I swallowed for you. Answer the phone.
They can be so fun, drunk bruises are like clues to the treasure of what actually happened last night. "why do I have a bruise on my belly button? oh right. i was trying to turn my stomach off so I would stop throwing up."
Mitt romney looks like a fantastic lover (full disclorsure: im 76% vodka right now)
Court can wait. right now you and your magic penis need to be here satisfying me.
Is it acceptable to cry on a Friday or am I supposed to drink to forget it?
Note to self: remember to figure out whether melted cheese is a liquid when not stoned
My vagina doesn't have a refer a friend program. You don't get $25 for getting your friend to have sex with me.
Randomize
