I just saw my grandmother naked. again. this needs to stop now.
Woke up with a retainer in my boxers and about ten chicks passed out around me. now I feel like something out of Cinderella, trying to find whose teeth fit in the glass retainer.
eating taco bell the same day as formal = probably a bad idea
On the bright side since it was a Tuesday you weren't even in jail for the long! that could've been worse!
Well sorry I accidentally spooned your mom and possibly threw up on you
Just made a bong out of a pineapple. So yes.. And champagne is about to be popped
I asked her how many times she came and she said "Oh god I can't count that high, Rutgers doesn't teach us that."
Apparently drunk me thought it was a good idea to buy $100 worth of band aids and stick them all over everything in the apartment.
i have achieved a new state of being which requires no food or water but is sustained only by coffee and pure, unrelenting rage
He said his name was Tony, after last night I will refer to him as Tiny
Can you come unlock the door? I just peed myself on the porch.
NO ITS THAT IM A SEXUAL DEVIANT AND CANT FILTER MYSELF
I just didn't expect to have anal in a retail store at 9 AM on a Tuesday.
Nope. Im a prince of the americas. I treat my women like future queens. Also, im drunk watching the royal wedding
Maybe singing about how you'd bang Morgan Freeman to the tune of Single Ladies while holding champagne and a box of Cheerios wasn't the best first impression on his parents
Randomize
