you used progresso chicken soup as a mixer last night
Dudes got a Polo tattoo. I don't care if he has a yacht I can't handle that level of gay.
as soon as his mom opened the door to let me in the house she asked if i would like a shot
it's gonna be a great weekend
So i told him he was the 3rd i have ever slept with and then i found out he had actually slept with 5 other girls besides me. And his reply was well your number one on this hand.
Thoughts of banging the girl who just opened my beer with her teeth?
It's a hurricane, not a zombie apocalypse. WHY DID YOU BUY SHOTGUNS?!?!
He referred to our sex as being similar to "Two cheetahs cage fighting" and I have to agree.
i think i just asked a donut if it was ok
Hey guys guess what I found in my bed this morning? I wish it was a man..but it was a potato
I emailed the police apartment to apologize to the officer from last night. I practically threw a hissy fit because he wouldn't hug me.
It was "against protocol"
I don't need a lecture. I'm 41. I know I'm an idiot.
I wish I could accurately explain the embarrassment of standing in your bathroom with women's nair on your ass waiting to get in the shower.
She just kept screaming and saying "fucking you is like fucking a mountain"
You wanna explain to me why there is a banana shoved down my pants?
Look, I need your help, not your judgment.
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