Everytime she tries to call me all I can think about is when she tripped walking down my steps during her walk of shame. Then I laugh until it goes to voicemail
I puked off the balcony.
Not horrible
Into the hottub. There were six people in it. I had eaten all their pizza.
I mean, he was my book buddy in 1st grade. The kid taught me how to read, the least I could do was give him head.
Aparently his snake got loose in the middle of the night. Not a sex joke, he has a fucking snake
As he was under the stripper backwards, he yelled "we should totally be facebook friends"
I'm taking stock of m life as of right now and my Friday night plans are to drink a 30 rack by myself so I can have a tv stand when it is finished
How do I tell my Dad that in the picture he has of me and my brother as the background of his phone we were both rolling face on ecstasy?
Don't make fun of the drunk girl eating bread out of her pockets. I've been that girl.
New carpet is nice. I'm making carpet angels. Like a fresh snowfall.
he gifted me a vibrator as he was breaking up with me. you tell me how my night went
I had another sex dream about you but it was very dissatisfying. As you finished you starting singing the star spangled banner. then you left. I was not amused.
Figured out why that fly won't leave. It keeps buzzing through my weed smoke
Fly high, Fly.
I am a figure skater. You should know better than to let me get drunk near any patches of ice during Olympics season.
Grandma's bordering on serious shit show territory at this point.
the awesomest thing about staying behind in our lame ass dorm room by myself during spring break: I've now nutted in 3 inconspicuous locations on your side of the room. brag to me again about how fucking awesome tahoe is you shithead. I dare you.
Randomize
