I'm just sayin u wanted to sleep after ur paper. I can make u sleep
My dad just yelled at me for going to youth group with out telling him. Apparently going out to fuck a girl without telling him gets me a high 5, going to youth group gets me grounded.
you went up to their shower, tripped in it, accidentally turned it on and then claimed that you like to "test everyone's showers"
My doc was like ur only supposed to have 6 sexual partners..thats just one semester at college
you were leaning against the vending machine asking if there was a shower you could puke in.
Just climbed to the top of a frozen waterfall! Do you want to do drugs tm night? The two are unrelated.
whatever. as long as im no longer referred to as the girl who fucked the pledge on his big brother's couch.
going to a night class in lingerie so i can quickly go to his house after.
Responsible roommate: 1. Someone who takes a huge shit at work so as not to clog the toilet at home.
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
can we just punch him in the dick and call it a victory for feminism
All my friends are getting married and I'm pole dancing in a tattoo shop. I don't know how I feel about this.
They spent thousands on one day. You made $76 in 30 minutes. You should feel great about that.
I don't know what else is in your wedding gift, but I just pulled out a pair of handcuffs in front of her grandmother.
Also a whip and a blindfold. Don't be a bitch, enjoy it!
I was watchin a porno and I sware I saw that dude at the bar at applebees the other night
I didn’t want a minivan, but I have to admit it’s made it a lot easier to hook up with the dilfs at soccer tournaments
Randomize
