Things he has used as lube on me: olive oil, cologne, purell, spit, tanning oil, and bottled hotel lotion
He needs to save up for some actual ky before my vagina gets an allergic reaction
puking up blue gatorade is not as nearly as much fun as it sounds
Just wanted to let you know that I always win at "whose ex is crazier" because of you.
She's dressed as Musafa. How could this not be a good idea?
Get the fuck buddy a birthday present or not? He def deserves one, but how do I explain the debit card charge to my husband?
There's a mouse. In the house. By the cans. With some pans. Release the cat. To eat his hat. Sorry about the mess. Of my breakfest.
No but seriously, there's a fucking mouse in the house by the beer cans
This is the high leading the old right now
That's just a really flattering way of saying, "Yes, you're useless, but you have great tits."
You decided it was too difficult to walk down the stairs so you just rolled across his kitchen floor laughing like a maniac and trying to drink at the same time
Worst walk of shame man. They had a fire drill at 7am, had to walk out of her all girl dorm wearing my Everday I'm Hustling sweater
my biography would be titled "haunting truths and dick jokes: a tale of love, loss, and masturbation."
I'm not letting you use my bathroom unsupervised anymore. You peed in the sink thinking it was a urinal...
I think my pussy is going to freeze to the ground
They were so sore! Either I have bed bugs or you were biting my nipples last night and don't lie to me.
the cuervo was good, but I started with jello shots. and when i threw up a whole jello shot came out.
Randomize
