I told him that he is like a snow storm I never know when he is coming, how many inches I will get, or how long it will last
Getting pregnant off pre-cum is like getting high off erasers
Walk of shame... his parents made me go to church with them first. in my club top sweat pants and slippers. i just slapped god in the face
Even though I wasn't drunk last night, I peed in the sink just so I could keep my record going
seriously who else gets carried home puking from a fucking mary kay party?
...then she kept trying to make balloon animals with my flacid penis. I'm never drinking whisky with you again.
currently pooping in a public restroom while drinking free beer. there has never been a finer line between awesome and depressing.
I need a burrito and a hug.
Ahh, 151. Think of it this way: it took one shot to get you buzzed, I took eight. I may or may not have broken a tv with my skull that night and met someone's parents naked and hungover the next morning.
theres too many punctuation errors in that text to turn me on.
I think we've reached the point in the summer were we need to go back to school. I was so bored yesterday I nearly bought blow dart gun.
You threw your body across the gross couple hooking up on the couch and demanded they scratch your back. I love you drunk on peach schnapps
I woke up with a thorn in my belly button. A THORN!
Dude, I just feel great. I love life so much and I love you. Love. Love. So much love.
Oh god I found a set of car keys in my pocket, and I have no idea who's they are
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