eating toast while peeing. You think this what kanye meant by the good life?
Apparently Chef Boyardee is the only guy I'm taking home tonight.
I just foul balled at work. I had taken off my coat too… had to go to the sink wash my hands then go back to the stall and pick up my coat. I hope the guy shitting in the stall next to me didn’t figure out what happened.
I cut holes in my blanket and put my arms through it. It's the sleeveless "Bro Edition" Snuggie.
Dude, didn't you know? Its balls out wednesday.
The night started going downhill when I set my foot on fire.
I feel the need to send all my exes pictures of penises larger than theirs. Because they all must suffer.
threw up on my 7.30 AM placement test. Never again
I get hit on by the prison guards every time i go to see him. Seriously.
A kid in my class today just asked if we have class on the 17th, then announced that he couldn't go anyways because it was the day after his 21 and he was going to be too hungover
I have a breathe right strip stuck to my forehead, several inexplicable bruises and I think someone tried to paint my nails with glue, but I still have my Santa hat. I'm gonna call this one a success.
As I was about to go to sleep he asked me if I was ready to 69. HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK AT HIM IN THE FACE OVER DINNER TOMORROW
Nothing $200 worth of strippers and spicy fried chicken couldn't fix.
All I wanted was to die alone with my dogs....how did I end up here
I don't know if I should laugh or punch you
I just watched your fat stupid son get hit by a Prius. Ran right in front of it. He's all right . But... Maybe you should have taught him to look both ways like a responsible parent does.
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