Having an 'SDSU Mom' sticker is just like say 'Hi, my daughter has an std"
I can hear my fat mexican neighbor yelling "do you like that!" ...I hope its not his dog
I don't want to eat him, he probably tastes terrible.
You know i think she's just using me for sex
I hate you.
Get in the lobby, you have to sign my boxers
so I was at the house for 3min to grab my bathing suit & tequila. You know, the go-to weekend combination
in my drunkeness I still was able to plan for the morning. I duck taped my keys, a water bottle full of mimosa and my cell phone to the front door.
please hold off on going into labor, i might need you to take me to the free clinic
I'm so confused. I feel like I just intentionally took roofies to see where I'd end up.
How could you give up sex for lent? I gave up religion for lent years ago and never looked back. Or give up civility, not sex.
Hey, who is this? Sorry, you're in my phone as "you better remember".
I got shot at last night. Lesson about married chicks: learned.
My most recent midlife crisis involved eating a doughnut in 30 seconds but taking 5 minutes to do half a shot of whiskey, then deciding I wasn't going to finish it.
Oh? I just remember dropping coins and trying to give the manager change to let me back into the bar.
2017 is gonna be explosive... Already watching fireworks out the window while shit my brains out. Happy Ew Year
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