My mom caught just caught me jerking off...in her room.
never have i ever had a craving for dick this badly
I woke up around 30 bottles of beer, with a piece of aluminum foil in my hand, that had "you Win" Wrote in sharpie..
When i tried to give you something that wasn't tequila...like water....you kept saying it was against your religion.
I've always been the spiritual type.
He went around feeding all the high kids pretzels. He's like their god now
We realized he wasn't with us anymore, so we turn around and he's 20 feet back, peeing on a squirrel.
there's a barbecue in the shower. I'd like to know who got this to fit inside perfectly. impressive
The bosnian sent me a sext with his dick next to a comcast remote. It went up to the "stop" button. Ironic and appropriate. Grab your remote and imagine it.
You've ruined television for me.
If I don't survive tonitght I would like to thank you for the ricekrispy treats. I am majestic
Ended up in some house where this dude has a $1200 leopard cat
We've been watching Scooby Doo and having sex for the past 36 hours, so life is great
Starting this Monday as I always do
With a desperate plea for help
The brides mom put a 6 year old in charge of me to make sure I don’t get too drunk before the wedding
I think you'll appreciate my way of waking up today: Under my cubicle, boxed in by boxes of printer paper, and hung over. I don't even know how the fuck I got in here in the middle of the night. I went to my car and fell back asleep. I'm now 2 1/2 hours late.
Just found a handle of Tito's in my TV stand
Can't recall when I put that there, but let's goooo
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