you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
How many times do you have to sleep with a guy before you get him to kiss you???
There's limited edition cherry vanilla nyquil. It's like they know how much I hate myself and they're giving me a consolation prize.
Pretty sure that drunken football on the back porch with 6 guys with a champagne bottle was a bad idea....
You mailed him a break up letter, because you thought the "joy of receiving a letter" would ease the pain of you dumping him.
No, I don't not want an upside down piggyback ride. You're drunk and there are rocks.
Im sitting on the exxon bathroom floor, idk if its healthy but it sure is cold
I'm sorry I compared your vagina to nascar
No offense, I mean I'm sure you rocked my world and all but I don't remember.
Do you remember peeing in the sink while I was throwing up?
No ma'am, I do not. I found a video of us trying to do a trust fall though. Emphasis on the trying.
Ok well i was gonna say you can only borrow my fog machine if you will use it to emerge from your room in a cloud of smoke after having sex with sarah, so yeah we're good
True friendship: When you can hold your best friend's hair and still eat your Stromboli at the same time.
I believe you can. But if you can have rum with breakfast then do that. Definitely do that.
I missed you last night. I'm sure he will never forget the night i sang my heart will go on into his penis like a microphone
The neighbors in the apartment above us are at it again. The roleplay this time is cop and prostitute. I give it 30 minutes, you? Already sounds better than the last one
Randomize
