I just found out that my father was a Human condom for halloween when I was 4. And to think I used to wonder where my sense of humor came from.
We had to coat check the pizza.
We need to go to the store an get depends. I really don't want to be bothered with the bathroom this weekend.
Hey, I took a sweater from your house. And, um, your little brother's virginity.
Oh and an honorable mention for your father's porn collection. Things I'll never forget.
I may or may not have definitely said the words "how do I put this beer in my purse without looking like an alcoholic" last night.
Wow. Memory lane. What a horrendously unsightly jizz stain on the tapestry of life.
I have a hook up buddy in Abiquiu. He lives next to a Chipotle; that's the only reason I see him.
It's 5am and I have yet to fall asleep. At what point do we just accept that I run on vodka?
I don't know what you're doing this morning, but obtaining Plan B is my number-one priority.
Well, if you're anything like me you'll get a lot of ass when you turn 30, so that's a plus
I just choked eating whip cream from the can, and peed a little because I was coughing so hard. How am I still single.
You said the best orgasm you ever had, you gave to yourself. your boyfriend looked really disappointed. so did half the room.
I told him I thought I was pregnant and he told me he accidentally killed my bird.
Circle of life.
His ass is a ten, but his personality is a two. Which would average to a six if I didn't have to figure in apologizing to all and sundry. In short hard no. Get a new wingman.
Randomize
