I drank like a thousand beers last night and my poo is solid, not gross like usual. I think this means I've grown up.
I swear that men would be more efficient if they had a semen gauge on their penises
Its already bleeding so dont be alarmed after you bite it
Standing in line for a prescreening of Alice in Wonderland - guy just passed out cold in front of us - first drug overdose of the Alice in Wonderland phenomenon witnessed.
Laying on my kitchen floor and the lights just got brighter... I just died or there was a power surge. Based on the amount of booze I drink both are possible.
my night ended with a pity blow in a racecar bed
She dresses cool and she's mean. And she has fake boobs I feel like I can relate to her on so many levels.
OH AND DAN PET MY CAT WHILE I WAS GIVING HIM HEAD
It doesn't feel like real life when you open your hotel room door and the first person you see is wearing a rabbit costume. I'm too hungover for this.
I dressed up as a "typical white girl" which meant I wore my yoga pants and uggs all night. BEST. IDEA. EVER. Most comfy halloween everrrr.
I'm pretty sure NORMAL roommates don't have to hide each others sex toys from their fuck buddies.
FYI the blow job was for papa johns pizza
I regret 8000% nothing
You wouldn't happen to know why there's an inflatable monkey riding a mattress on my roof would you?
He was referring to me as "Teenage Dream" the whole night
And our sex soundtracks thus far have been metal and Star Wars
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