1. Call me if you need ANYTHING. 2. If you get tag teamed, I want details.
i realized my work ethic and productivity really improves if i masturbate on my lunch break.
i need you to babysit me first week back at school. havent had tequila, adderal, or sex w randoms in 3 months
She said that I needed to "pregame her so it can slip right in."
I really couldn't tell if she was disgusted with the fact that I yacked on her shoes, or if she was about to do the same to me.
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
I'm thankful she wil die Alone. And I'm thankful I slept wiht her cousin. And brother.
Uh, do you remember who's thong is in my tree?
got into a verbal altercation with Luke Harangoty last night over a table. Called him a cross-eyed fuck and got the table.
I woke up and discovered I gave new meaning to the term "pizza pockets" yes it's exactly like it sounds like
we should definitely drink gin again. soon.
Our first order of business as new roommates was to test the sex acoustics of our rooms. I need a new box spring.
I CALLED IT A FRIENDSHIP. NOT A I WANT YOUR MAN PARTS IN MY LADY PARTS-SHIP.
There were firefighters and a fire truck up the street. I asked what was wrong and their exact words were "Just a tiny explosion; it'll be all right"
The list of people who didn't throw up last night is insanely smaller than the list of people who did
So it was a successful night I take it?
She’s super into those renaissance faires. But, if you can’t actually stab anyone, what’s the point?
Randomize
