woke up naked, spooning with wine bottle.. and my video chat was still open. fuck, not again.
never try to heat up a hot pocket in the dryer if ur microwave breaks...bad idea.
i think i want to fuck a midget just to see how difficult it would be
I'm sorry i'm just too high to handle anything besides pirates of the caribbean right now.
I would like to apologize for making you the target of my "I wish head hair grew as fast as Pubes speech" the other night
Remember that time we were in the handicap bathroom snorting Molly at the stripclub. That was a defining moment in our friendship
Walk-of-shaming home in that dress you got arrested in. Six guys called out your name when I walked past. I've never been more proud of us.
I don't want to hear about you making out with a high schooler. I just had the best sex of my life. My face and arms went numb in the middle of it.
If we accept the love we think we deserve do we also accept the sex we think we deserve?
I think the moment I knew you were going to black out was when I told you how many shots you had already and you were shocked and then poured another one
someday i'll meet a woman who will love me for my marvelous breasts and ignore my many character faults.
mom how many of the songs from my childhood are mexican drinking songs?
all of them.
My vape juice got mixed up with the astroglide.
Wow..I bet that tasted bad.
Not tasted.
I’m doing tequila shots with lesbians. This isn’t how I planned my night but I’m not complaining
i think i puked but i couldve been a dream and i may have madeout with a 20 something guy infront of my managers...also possible dream.
Randomize
