My liver just broke up with me...
I walk in and my mom takes one look at me and just says, ".... Consequences"
Have you ever made a sandwich from swedish fish and tortilla chips?
Not even close. I woke up in the bed of Codys truck. Wrapped up in a sleeping bed, using a stuffed alligator as a pillow. And Alex was laying naked beside me. Not to mention I wasn't wearing the clothes I got there in.
Do you remember trying to eat gravel when we were walking back to the dorm?
then out of nowhere we heard a voice yell "Fuck that pussy!"
Thanks for not stopping me when I decided to call my mom at 2 in the morning to ask her where I was born
no i had to finish in the bathroom to a pic of her mom in a bikini.
Dude, you passed out sitting straight up AND in mid sentence last night
I filled this oven with as much Pizza as I could, and I've been eating out of it for three days.
Just ate the last piece. Refilling the oven.
I have a diplomatic trade for you. My pants for your rum. Tomorrow?
My condoms might be a little big for you but hey, a big sweater is better than no sweater at all when it's cold right?
I spent the entire party sexting people's significant others for them because they were too drunk to do it themselves. I did quite well too. I should start a business
We were gonna go out drinking tonight but she found out she's pregnant so are you free
I fought off a bull with my bare hands while he went off to have sex with her against a wall. I’m more upset about the fact that no one is acknowledging what I did.
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