see... this is why i put birth control in all my friends drinks
wait.... you do what?
Turns out "bordello" doesn't mean what I thought it did.
one of my coworkers is shitshow drunk, getting naked. she's about to ride the bull.
i was just going to ask if it would be cool for me to come and have a beer...
it's total chaos here. i may ride the bull... i'll be visible.
I'm on strict orders from her to keep sleeping with you until you give her a job next summer.
I just got this text "hi this is Julie, I met you last night in the bathroom. You asked me to text you and remind you that you ate an entire lime, because you figured your sober self in the morning would be confused."
she pulled the sheets over her head to blow me but the static kept making little lightning bolts and I was too high and got really scared she was going to electrocute me.
Count me out. I seem to have semen induced blindness in one eye.
I'm on this new diet called "I have 10$ till next Friday, I have rice
Girl behind me in line at cvs was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan b soon she might be a mom abd that if we couldn't tell she'd be a terrible mom
Shouting "one vagina to rule them all" was probably not the best way to meet our best mates fiance
Explain why there's a meatball in my bong
At one point I yelled "THIS IS MY PENANCE FOR EVERYTHING I'VE DONE WRONG" and started saying Hail Marys
I'm so horny right now but I JUST put my fuckin lasagna in the oven
Why am I a human magnet for the worst dicks of the world?
i'm really sorry, but i'm just not sober enough to make good decisions.
Randomize
