Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
Rosebud was a fucking sled. Gay.
Trying to find something to do here is like trying to find a vegan resturant in alabama.
My mom is wearing Ed Hardy. There aren't words.
I thought I would take a shower to wake me up but now I'm naked wet and stoned laying on my bed instead of just stoned laying on my bed
You almost hooked up with 200lb woman in her mid-forties, because you were convinced she was adele. Your drinking problem is officially out of control.
It's a piss down the stairs of the hotel kind of night
This is irresponsible on your part, leaving me alone in a bar.
You're an asshole. I don't want your dick as my background. I'll look like I have a thumb fetish.
She just asked if I wanted to eat nachos off of her boobs... I'm going to marry this girl.
I woke up naked with a $20 bill taped to my titty, so I must of had fun.
The most adult decision I've mad today was Jameson or Fireball? It's been a successful Day
I used the phrase "love child of quasimodo and cyclops " in a sentence today.
Even in drag you're still better looking than your sister.
How many Hail Marys does a girl need to say to get some quality nudes?
Randomize
