No one actually likes Tequila. They just accept it as a fact of life. Like hpv.
i gave him the "yep, i was your girfriend's collegiate lesbian sex story" head nod
Tried to dry my shoes in the oven last night.
I called my dad at 3 a.m. because I thought he'd be proud that I didnt get arrested. Daddys little girl at her finest...
What goes on in that head of yours?
Gay sex, for the most part. Why?
got fuckng wasted at spring training, got a lap dance at le girls, got a burrito at filibertos, and still made it to my 5 o'clock eco class wearing a bikini top....I love Arizona State University
Dad and I are shitfaced screaming at Canadians in Walmart. Life is good.
We're using joints as your birthday candles
He literally chugged a bottle of wine in under 2 minutes. Stood up, said "fuck what ya heard" and stabbed the bottle into their drywall.
At this point, just throw that mattresses away. Or bronze it and display it as a testament to your shame. either is good.
That's not as bad as watching a dumb ass drunk peeing into your window fan -
Being pregnant feels like you have a hangover everyday.. Don't listen to what anyone says about how wonderful it is
The man sent me a video of him doing the helicopter, the least I can do is go visit him in the hospital
You tried to chase every shot with a blueberry.
Is there any chance of you maybe wanting a bouncy house at your wedding. Like maybe a .0001 chance. If so I would totally chip in for that.
Randomize
