Just heard the garage door open and I immediately sprinted to the laptop to erase history, even though I haven't watched porn today...I believe Pavlov now.
Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
He came on me while singing crank dat like soulja boy, fuck our sex life has reached a whole new level of low
Def regretting not writing "will blow for extra credit" on my last final
She started ignoring us once we told her we were out to celebrate your abortion. Who knew strippers could be judgemental?
We ate a mysterious delivered pizza which no one ordered and then the wii wouldn't work so 20 of us watched porn on two laptops. Drunk took the awkward away.
dreams really do come true on the roof and drinking again
He's afraid of heights. How do I know, you ask? Blowjob on his roof.
You asked me if I was judging you for being drunk, and if I can hypnotize you make sober.
How drunk do you guys plan on getting?
We wrote our addresses on our arms for the cab driver, what do you think?
I mean, with your nipple problem im surprised. #hangacoatonem
So I've been in more fights on one leg than I've had on two.
I'm so hung over that I just tried to send you a screen shot of the cracked screen on my phone.
if happy hour never ends, you’ll never have to eat kale
Why thank you for your unwanted opinion, person I've never met before.
Randomize
