my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
I'm at a Rock of Love themed party. New high? New low? I can't tell.
Wait. Scratch that. It's not themed. These girls are just sluts.
Getting 10 cents back for every can is really just encouraging alcoholism.
i knew it was going to be a good night when i was bleeding, licked it and it tasted like miller light
can you call in chlamydia to work? like if the antibiotics they gave you for it are giving you the shits...
You remember those guys we called the police on after they stole our keg? Turns out one of them is a student instructor in one of my classes. Figuring out how best to use this information.
Should I mail that cop his nightstick or just throw it away?
walk of shame to my ortho appointment. kids are staring. this little girl just asked her mom if she can havr glitter in her hair too.
So we just left her at the hospital. She is not ruining my Monday night
Being at this stripclub only reinforces how single I am. And I was *just* becoming okay with that.
The only pictures I have are of me being stoned or me looking like a man, which do you prefer?
All I want is to send a text that says "i slept with someone while wearing nothing but purple argyle socks this weekend." But the only person i would send that to is you. But you already know. Because they were your socks.
Gas station champagne. And before you say anything I'll have you know it's imported. From California. So get fucked.
Worst case scenario- he paid me for sex with meatloaf. There are worse thing, right? I mean at least is was good meatloaf.
He put his SoundCloud on his Tinder bio. I felt personally attacked.
Randomize
