i just threw up in a potted plant at home depot
dude sorry but u no that when a guys 'likes' ur pic on facebook it only means he was just jacking off to it.
She made out with me for a free sandwich. What makes you think she is NOT up to my standards?
I'm deep cleaning my room right now. Not sure if it actually needs it or if I'm just trying to symbolically cleanse myself of the last 24 hours.
He looks like he'd be great Lego character.
I think that "I fucked your little brother" wasn't the best way to introduce yourself.....
Remember that time you bought snap bracelets on Amazon and they sent you 300 pregnancy tests instead? Amazon knows.
Dad was on the deck drinking straight bourbon. He stopped, puked on his feet, and then continued drinking and talking about compound interest.
The other day I was really high and I felt like my words were coming out of my mouth in flowers...I don't know.
I can't tell if I'm still on the hangover from last night, or if I'm experiencing the one from tomorrow, because it was so powerful that it actually traveled back through time...
"Like what guy would respond to 'let's fuck. I've got bagels'??"
At least you didn’t announce to an entire bar you’ve eaten pussy, and then knocked your beer over.
Hey, you know that marble art statue thing in your bedroom? Hypothetically what would happen if a penis got stuck in it?
My vagina is no longer accepting new clients.
I don't want to hook up with him sober. That's pretty much like saying I love you.
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