i am not allowed to pick the men i sleep with anymore
they just did a mariachi cover of free bird
Last night at the bar my fuck buddies found out about each other.
Wtf? What happened?
Not quite sure but they rock, paper, scissored to see who was taking me home.
Dude you need to stop whoring out my boobs. They are for emergencies only.
You poured your drink on yourself and then said "it's not a party until I'm wet"
Anal and Aoki tickets...I'd say I give pretty good Valentines Day gifts.
ummm im also counting the $14 dollars I gave the old guy to pay for the cab I called for him to take to the hospital last night as part of ur present.
I am the prescription. I can be taken orally or vaginally and in any dosage. This is why I went to med school.
Invited the whole bar back to my place for an after party.....shit got real with everyone seeing dad drink moonshine like a champ.
He was humming "here comes Peter cottontail" while unbuttoning his pants. Happy Easter to me
I snorted xanax while wearing reindeer antlers. Prancer gone wild. Have a merry Christmas.
You know the bunny onesie you sent me? Happy Halloween, I just did the hop of shame.
A Valium induced mom decided to walk into my bedroom this morning without knocking. Guess what I was doing? FML
Psssh like you wouldn't lick BBQ sauce off my nipples.
Like honey no, I’m getting groceries while pretending that having sexy talk with you is turning me on
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