There were 3 chicks in my bed I didn't know when I got home. Now I know all of them. Biblically.
I'm at subway, this 8 year old kid is judging my fashion sense with his dad. I want to kill myself.
It's ok, he's just 8, he's not judging you.
He just asked why I'm sitting alone. I honestly want to cry.
So we walked by this chick's house and she starts yelling at her boyfriend "STOP HITTING ME WITH YOUR DICK"
Holy shit bill nye is being consulted as an expert on cnn and hes credited as the science guy. What the fuck is the world coming to?
I swear this girl is like a Cross between Danny Devito and Anne Heche....the Lesbian Years.
Its a Guy he gets weed for. I'm kinda confused as to why there are going to even be tuxedos involved at all.
There's always the 'not have sex with the drunk girl I just met at some party' option.
That was the plan but Tequila showed up at the party too.
im currently assessing the tequila situation in preparation of your arrival
Attempted to dodge my boyfriends cum last night and ended up falling off the bed and getting the worlds most painful charlie horse. fuck my life.
I like how my motivation to lose weight is so I can wear a nude bikini and get covered in body paint for the tribal party. Priorities.
Just walked into the library with a case of Strawberitas in hand.. no one said a word.. I think they were just impressed I knew where the library was
and everyone will high five me and girls will approach me offering blowjobs
It's 2017. Get with the program. Also remind me never to get margaritas with you ever on Cinco de Mayo.
I just put on the jeans I was wearing last night and pulled 4 baby carrots out of my back pocket....
I dont think the chain smoking, tequila shots or cocaine was good for my bronchitis.
Randomize
