dude, I'm watching paul blart mall cop. I have better things to do than listen to you whine about your recent divorce.
So I went home with some chick last night... I'm not sue what's worse: not getting a nut at 5am, the condom breaking and not being replaced, feeling poo when I put my finger in her but, sleeping on a heroin mattress in her living room, her swine flu coughing fit at 7am or realizing she peed the matt at 10am. Actually it was probably the fact that she continuously told me she was the classiest girl in boulder.
I tried to tell him it was only 2:00, but he said since it was 5:00 in New York, it was perfectly acceptable. He then put on a Blues Brothers hat and a pair of wayfarers and left. I expect him home in a few hours with a police escort.
I found a big gulp cup full of vomit in my freezer, are you behind this?
dude, i woke up with a mini keg on my night stand. again. like wtf
I was crying hysterically and you wouldn't stop petting my ear and shushing me every time I tried to say something.
Oh god. It's like a broken faucet. My guts sound like a bilge pump clogged with golf balls and cake frosting.
If I had pants on, you wouldn't be getting this text message
She called and said her prescription was refilled. I guess we are dating again.
One of your snapchats was of you with a 40oz of Mickeys and the caption: "Deep Throat back in her natural habitat"
I should have known when she said it would be "fun" we'd end up in the hospital
It's official. I have spent more money on weed than on textbooks this semester.
I tried to get the guy I like to “spit shake” on a sexual bet... why am I such a bro fml
i thought the time we went to a party with no shoes on was bad, how about the time you left with no pants on?
Probably some sort of karmic revenge for me looking at titties somewhere along the way
and for that you shall suffer
God: I won't strike you down, but I shall introduce your child to Doja Cat during a quarantine
Randomize
