I think your mom looks like a breed of donkey and elephant, but her boobs are perfect
she's doing push ups on the keg. hows a girl supposed to compete with that?
For a whole 2 minutes you were convinced you were talking to my voicemail
The best part of listening to lady gaga while high is that any word your brain puts in is right.
I am planning my day around naps and lesbians.
she demanded that I make her breakfast too so im in the bathroom cooking bacon with her straightener
listening to happy ending by mika while imagining him to run after me at an aiport in slow motion... also, dipping oreos in baileys. not taking this breakup well. at. all.
I will never in my life forget you letting the cat lick your tongue
I'm kinda surprised he wouldn't be honored to take me back as a fuck buddy.
Where were you last night, and why am I not surprised that drag queens were involved?
Hey can you send me a copy of my mugshot? I need it to prove a point
I've lost every trace of self esteem. Even sneaking a BJ in the coffee room has lost it's luster.
Were not even through the second month of the year and I potentially may have torpedoed a marriage...
I woke up and there was a tiny sombrero on my penis. Care to explain?
The neighbor just poured gasoline on his 2 brush fires and proceeded to shoot Roman candles at them 🤔
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