so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
tiger just fucked it up for all of us...she grabbed my phone this morning and started asking questions.
She threw up in the hot tub how's your night
NEW RULE: NO INNAPROPRIATE CHOICES THAT INVOLVE GUNS. I LIKE IT. WRITE THAT DOWN.
Noooo. We thought it would be funny for him to wake up buried in the sand. But we just remembered about the whole high tide thing and it's dark and it's pretty damn hard to find an unconscious head sticking out of the sand. Just help us out
I want the one making out with the dumpster. Is that bad?
Sorry I kept grabbing your vagina at the casino. I believed it was my lucky unicorn to win bonuses
I have a boner and a quesadilla why aren't you here
So the guy who is making our IDs is in jail now for attempted murder, with no bail...
So no fakes?
High as shit. I just described caramel syrup on crackers to my mom for 15 minutes...
My mother is a bitch. She just outed me to my dad. He wants to meet you by the way...
Well I mean he still had sex with me after I told him that I play fetch with the kids I take care of, so I'm not really looking too far ahead with him...
I just walked into my kitchen and my little brother is standing with his face two inches from the clock, staring at it, and eating an apple. I asked wtf he was doing and he just goes "the hour hand is moving VERY slowly".
If I take a couple more shots I won't even know he's a Mormon that drives a motorcycle
Lunch date was a success. And you'll be proud- my legs stayed closed.
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