Um I just overheard that the new guy spent a month in jail. Obvi another great hire.
No more tipping the bathroom attendant with your phone.
It's horrible of you to say your above all this when the bar uses your drunk picture to scare people.
Whatever, the fact of the matter is that I saved you from poorly planned outdoor sex by doing a rain dance and you should totally thank me.
Dude she pregamed for her sorority's philanthropy.
Homeboy was juggling while taking bong rips. Of course he got laid.
Its bad when you wake up with a penis drawn on your face. Its worse when you find out its traced..
Now I get the fucking shakes every time I hear I'm Sexy And I Know It. Thanks, Captain Morgan.
Just say the word and u can be elbow deep in this glorious rack
This is why I love you...
Stop sending me pictures of you naked. This violates the friend zone agreement.
Started my day with puking in a trash can.... Its gonna be a beautiful day
I just googled "creative ways to tell someone you'll give them a blow job". I'm losing my touch.
Sometimes I refuse to go through a door until someone holds it open for me because I'm a fucking lady.
I feel like sleeping with foreign people is a long term investment. It's like a time share. Now when I go to London I have a place to stay.
You had blacked out Skype sex? Wow we live in the future
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