life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
The sex toys I ordered are being shipped to my billing address instead of shipping address. Take a guess where they're on their way to right now - my parents' house. And the package has to be signed for so there's no way around it. Fuck.
I woke up to 30 angry texts and her Chihuahua in my room. Can you drop him off for me?
you decided to have a spaghetti fight but then you got greedy and decided to eat it all.
i have a surprise for you that looks bigger since I found my body hair trimmer
So I thought the party was crazy before his pinky came off...
Dude if i sent you a picture of the inside of my fridge would you be able to break down and explain everything that was in it?
I'm having a martini with dinner. A new level of class.
I'm stoned and eating mustard, also a new level of class.
What do you expect from her? Do you remember that creepy man she dated who saturated a pillowcase in his musky cologne and mailed it to her and she still slept with him.
So I pass out narcotics if its a girl?
At least you didn't wake up next to your professor who then proceeded to cancel class via phone while still inside of me.
I found my wallet. Still have no idea when I put mad dog in my steel water bottle, though...
ever feel bored AND lazy?
I call it "awake" but yeah...
well, i found him passed out on a picnic table two miles away with a lit cig in his hand...he had a rough night
Decisions were made. The quality of them will be judged tomorrow
Randomize
