Dan just whipped out his wang to piss in a milk jug! Hello weekend.
I just woke up my dad to tell him that i made out with the drummer. He wasnt as excited as I was.
I know its only noon but, Im too drunk to hold this baby...
He taught me how to drive a stick by using his dick. He even made the whurrrr noise so I knew when to change gears.
it was like that last scene in "It's A Wonderful Life" but with alcohol
he kept a regular condom in his wallet just so he could comment on how it wouldnt fit before whipping out the magnums. i give him points for the build up
I found a big gulp cup full of vomit in my freezer, are you behind this?
guess who's eating a vending machine cheese danish, has no panties on, and is still the classiest bitch at this bus stop?
I'm deep cleaning my room right now. Not sure if it actually needs it or if I'm just trying to symbolically cleanse myself of the last 24 hours.
Don't blame me. I told you I didn't know if I had a key to those hancuffs.
If the sex wasn't incredible why would I compare it to cheesy tots
You kept ranting how Captain Planet is getting shortchanged in the superhero department. Other than that you kept it together
I would give a kidney to fuck him and he knows it. That bastard.
listen I will take literally anything I can get my tiny gay fingers on
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
Randomize