She was like a white Oprah, but with less conviction.
I can't remember last night. I must have yelled at your girlfriend til she cried again.
Yup.
When we made out her lip\nose ring fell out in my mouth. Awkward?
I mean, there was frosting being put on a tunafish sandwich. Pretty sure she knew we were high.
Man, I thought my dick was gonna fall off.
Dude, I didn't even think they made slap bracelets anymore. You okay?
I dont care if he cant spell. Illiterate people need blowjobs too
Yes, but it's not new to me. It's like every time a new guy finds out I'm a squirter it's a novelty so they make me squirt and squirt and squirt until their bed is completely soaked. And then afterwards they complain that there isn't a dry bit to sleep on. No shit Sherlock.
I almost spit out my drink. But only almost, because it was vodka. And you don't spit out vodka.
On a scale of zero to "unmitigated disaster," how drunk is he?
The cops came, and I made friends with him. He wants me to babysit his kids.
If you can handle my post-party look you da real MVP
People try and tell me I never learn me lesson, well that's a bunch of crap. I asked for Monday off for Superbowl recovery based on my experience last year.
Only the sound of Friends and my gulping of wine are masking the sounds of my roommate getting laid
no its a draw, weve been through this, when were keeping score on getting laid i get a plus 1 handicap each week because of your British accent! its only fair!
My boss spotted an injured PIGEON outside the front door this morning (at 3:30am) and requested that I catch it and take it to the vet. Catch it with what! Take it where!These requests have gone too far...
Randomize
