whoa...plan B gets you drunker quicker.
I could be a Disney star with the amount of nude photos of mine that get leaked.
the people next to us in line are buying a 12 pack and a snuggie
Hey, I can't get ahold of Tommy. Let him know his ex-girlfriend is pregnant.
It's amazing how much better one feels once you put something in your vagina.
Thanks for sticking it out with old horseface last night... I owe you one buddy.
I feel awful
Physically or morally
Physically. The only immoral thing I did was steal money from strippers while they gave me lapdances.
I actually don't know if I can stand up. I just know better than to try
I'm just planning on experiencing Disney as adult style as it gets. Drinking bloody mary's at dawn and telling all the kids waiting in lines how badly their future sucks and that Santa isn't real.
But mostly the blowjob in the airport bathroom was what I was laughing at.
Just had a flashback to Friday. Definitely had my hands in someone's bra. Definitely wasn't mine.
my neighbors having band practice on sunday morning is a message from the universe that I should stop drinking
Ways to ruin a one night stand: the guy finds your parenting magazine on your dorm room desk.
The ecstacy made me so dehydrated I started licking condensation off car windows
Why did I wake up with a skeleton in my bed? Is it from the lab?
Oh crap, that's where it ended up. Yeah, don't ask.
Randomize
