I only have two rules. But i've fotgotten those rules and replaced them w 2 other rules
I'm so bummed I missed coconut bowling. It's fucking cold here and no coconuts to be found
What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
Google if cops ever smoke weeds and then bust them. I need to know immidiately.
Ask him about a girl named Meg then give a disappointed and disapproving face.
Every fourth of July I get sentimental when I think back to the one where we drove around baked off our asses crashing multiple cookouts listening to Team America's "America, Fuck Yea" on repeat. I miss us.
Just got home and found him passed out with his ass stuck in a Rubbermaid garbage can. He must have been like that for a few hours
Just proved I could salsa dance in a bar where no one was dancing
Sidenote...no idea how to salsa
Hey is there a picture of me in a trash can on your phone?
REALLY should have cleaned under my bed before I had my parents come help me pack...things my parents just found: several condoms and a bottle of lube. My mom when she found a condom: "ooo ribbed. Laura's a lucky girl"
That unicorn pillow pet really made sleeping with my head in the toilet a little better.
You would be successful and sober without me. you can't turn your bakon me now
He said I have the “Denzel Washington” of vaginas.
There are leaves in my underwear?
Get over your kidney infection all ready. You have been sober for too long.
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