listening to techno makes your hand move faster while masterbating
I just called a child with a Yankees jersey a jerkoff. so much for a friendly day @ the ballpark
i have some very unhappy turtles in my backseat
Jesus, I just want to drink. Also simultaneously punch things and rub my vagina on them.
Told her my spirit animal was the spread eagle. Now that's my name in her phone.
I just sat in the bathtub with the shower running so I could eat the whole box of mega stuffed Oreos. What am I doing with my life
How about we just have a naked taco night instead?
FUCK YOU AND YOUR WEAK ASS EYEBROWS
I just hooked up with a one legged Australian guy. Hooray diversity!
Sometimes at I wake up from a dead sleep at 1am and call the bar just to hear the clink of the glasses and the pouring of the beer on tap in the backround
Of course that's what I'm wearing. I need to find a beard to mount and ride STAT.
This is a life or shit situation. Grab me toilet paper asap. This bathroom is fucking out. This is not a test. This an actual emergency and I am not joking.
its been well over a year and hes still saying sex with me was epic
Finally fucked my buddy's mom!! We are both ten years older and for her it really shows but i hit it!!
There is no way entering a gas station bathroom memorializing an alien abduction in rural New Hampshire is a good idea.
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