just took a shot of grandma at the fucking bowling alley... this is going to be interesting
WTF. you left me with no condoms and you ate all my mac and cheese. scumbag.
Don't worry I'll hold the wheel while you cum
I just stuffed five dollars in my near empty box of camels to remind myself to buy more. And my mom says I don't budget my money
I walk in and my mom takes one look at me and just says, ".... Consequences"
I think I get why guys like boobs so much. I just motorboated myself and it's fun. My boobs feel soft and squishy on my face.
My fingers feel amazing. Their going like 100 MPH!!
HOLY SHIT. SHIT THAT IS HOLY. HOLY OF THE SHIT.
My phone now knows what I type and it prompts me with frequently used words. And anytime I use "and" and hit the space key two of the words are "unicorn" and "sausage"
come help me. im curled up in the fetal position on the upper floor of the lib. please bring more caffeine or alcohol
its ok. its hell week the lib is a no judgment zone right now
Never ever make a tattoo bet. I now have a shamrock on my dick.
That falls under the "unwelcome penises" category. Also that's definitely a sentence I never thought I would say
Pennsylvania now holds the distinct honor of being the third state I've crapped my pants in.
Philosophical question for you: is it better to go into work slightly drunk or slightly coked out?
Getting a lap dance from a girl you went to high school with really isn't as awkward as you'd think
And she called me out by name, nothing could have made it more awkward but it ended up not being that bad
So I figured it out. There's two types of shitters. Moaners and grunters. And on occasion there's a third. It's the ill fabled grunt moaner.
Randomize
