Got separated, got a half bj, got dropped off in random part of the city, don't tell anyone
If that ambulance is off to save our dignity, please tell them it's too late...
I just got fire extinguished by his roommate while we were having sex. That's just taking cock blocking to a whole new level.
Oh i know my limit. 9 shots after i've given blood.
Dude, this chick, who is smokin by the way, has 4 false teeth on top from a softball accident that she can take out if she wants... Who's getting amazing head tonight? This guy!
I don't know whether to be creeped out by the fact this chick can do that, or jealous because you're getting toothless head.
please don't text me until you can spell three letter words again.
As much as I'm all for laying on his living room couch, watching spongebob and having spoon sex, it's becoming a routine.
oh god was she eating orange peels again
Nothing says "I forgive you for puking on me during sex" like a Facebook add the next morning...
Midnight run for medical supplies ended several hours later with a lapdance to the Braveheart soundtrack.
Ed's in which sucks about a thousand cocks... But thats 1800 less than working with Alex so it's gonna be a good day
I'm getting drunk by myself again. But I'm not shotgunning any of them. That's self-restraint, right?
Welp, I've officially cried in every Chipotle bathroom in the city. Correlation or causation?
I'm not wearing pants, but I'm wearing a tiara.
So I lost my dignity between the strip club and your penis...
Randomize
