i just realized how high i was when i was screaming red light challenge at the top of my lungs and am watching it alone
well i had to explain to their mom why the kids i babysit for won't stop repeating the phrase "nice juicy guido"
I guess birthday shots aren't always the answer
I went out as a member of the house of Gryfindor and came home as Snooki
Im deleting that text because its a possible ncaa violation
But first time having sex and he went down on me twice?! I'm gonna marry this guy
I'll make sure to include that in my bridesmaid toast
I am honestly trying to remember his name. All I can remember is that he had a weird mole, a daughter and a lot of cocaine. Please stop letting me pick up at gay night.
Ohh I see how it works, eat pussy and I get Reese's pieces.
Your mission, should you decide to accept it, is to pick up rum, beer, and cigarettes. Your holiday will self-destruct if you ignore this message.
After we had sex he told me it was a "goodbye gift". We haven't talked since.
Wake up. Finish House of Cards. Put on pants.
Accurate.
I made out with a mom and her daughter and got a black eye, so yeah, my birthday went well
Seriously, why do I have a mortar round?
Sitting in my junior high parking lot high on ambien talking to a stranger I met on tinder. What is life?
Don't read too much into what I just sent. I love you, always have, but I'm drunk and sorry for the confusion.
Which part? The boyfriend or the sex?
Boyfriend. SEX IS ON!!!
Randomize
