I think she must be bulimic. I mean, every time I see her I know i want to throw up.
Toga everclear = hospital visit... Im sure the paramedics hate me right now
God that barista is texting me bout his life like i care i mean dude just hook me up with free coffee thats why i gave you my number
There's a point around the one and a half minute mark where the keg stand goes from impressive to pathetic
somebody put my brain in a crown royal bag and beat the shit out of it
Carrying your underwear around in your purse on Sunday morning is its own religious experience
Remember that night I drank a bunch of vodka, pounded your Jameson because 'you were a pussy', punched you in the face and ran off as fast as my high heels could go? It was just my Russian and Irish sides fighting for genetic dominance
I used that money i stole from the stripper last night to pay for my date tonight.
Look if 10 am was too early to go barrel tasting the winery would not be open.
Life just isn't the same without him waking me up at 4 in the afternoon with a look of pity on his face...
We all have to be good at something. Mine are writing, drinking, fucking and peer pressure.
I met my future husband in an elevator. Think Hispanic version of Dr. Bunsen Honeydew from the Muppets, but with eyes like Michael Fassbender.
you got in a fight with your imaginary friend last night when he didn't catch you after a surprise trust fall
What, wait. You are not supposed to drink wine out of the bottle?
So uh... Did you mail me business cards that describe my profession as "tortured soul"?
Randomize
