Yet again my drunken self has managed to find his way into the middle of nowhere with no shoes or recollection of what happened last night.
Then I guess you don't remember me driving you there after you tried making out with my girlfriend, dipshit.
Yep. About to get on pornhub to spill some Christmas cheer
so its official, girls can see a boner through my snuggie.
my mom just left...time to break out that water bottle of wine that I sewed into my teddy bear
So, sleeping with all of my Vicodin in my bra because I knew she'd be searching my room for drugs tonight. I'LL SHOW HER.
That's like the cock version of a mortal kombat fatality.
IDK. when she left she was wearing her bra like an eyepatch and offering to shiver the timbers of the dorm patrol.
The words "me," "sober," and "new years eve" do not go together. Ever.
You were carrying a 6 ft lamp that we stole on your back yelling "OHANA MEANS FAMILY AND FAMILY MEANS NOBODY GETS LEFT BEHIND"
You rinsed the beer pong ball off in my White Russian
You're like my little fucked up version of the groundhog seeing its shadow, only it's boobs and warm weather.
I'm really tired of this guy walking his chicken in my neighborhood.
My husband was abducted by a group of disco dancers in the parde and danced off down the street. If you see him, tell him to Hustle on home and clean the cat box. #MardiGras
You told your boyfriend he needed to fuck you in the tree because it would make you guys one with nature.
Did he?
Man the amount of drugs being done at a wedding with a bunch of surgeons was disturbing
Randomize
