if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
Fuck you I wanted that fabulous flaming homo to win american idol...its like we lost the gay marriage vote...again
Eating meat and looking at porn while roommate is at church for Ash Wednesday. Win.
She begged me for sex again. I felt like I was telling a homeless person I didn't have any change.
We lit firecrackers from NYE in the fireplace and he was so passed out that he slept through it.
new plan: i think the keg will fit in my purse.
so far I've only met her once and hung out one other time. Up to 5 BJs already. That's serious efficiency.
Happy Thanksgiving! Hope its not too awkward that your dad and your boyfriend are the same age.
I wouldn't hesitate to give up my job to have regular bowel movements again
Just fantasized about my boss's fingers in a meeting. I desperately need to get some.
we didn't have sex though. because i have the will power of an ox.
help. his tongue is stuck. Its not what you think. Hurry.
Just showered and cleaned every bit of sex off of me cuz i have a feelin my stepmom has jesus powers and would be able to smell it on me
Well, if you do die, I'll bedazzle your coffin.
Randomize
