no morals, dignity, or self respect ... just an empty condom wrapper and a facebook request
Hot mess moment: I just made really spicy guac and picked my nose, which set it on fire. I tried to neti pot it with a coffee pot, which resulted in me gagging and puking all over my bf's bathroom. oopsie.
In less than 3 minutes we had 3 security guards running after us
so why was i the only one who woke up with ham stuck to my ass?
Things I have that belong to you: shorts, headband, bra, purse, chinese food, vodka, and blood on my jeans. Happy homecoming.
I want you to come over here and spit coffee in my mouth like a momma bird feeding a baby bird. That hung over.
The smell came through my closed door. His farts are made of rendered tires, and apparently, ghosts.
GOD DAMMIT TARYN WHY DO WE ALWAYS HAVE TO ROB PLACES IN OUR FUTURE PLANS?!
He's been watching the World Cup too much because right before he came he screamed "NUT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" for half a minute. Our landlord is not happy.
The woman in the flower onesie is claiming she hasn't been drinking.
You left me a drunk voicemail of you describing your pizza to me at 2 AM
I know, dude. If he ends up having a tiny dick, I will literally pack it back into his pants and leave. Not worth the aggravation.
My ex's girlfriend just invited me clubbing. Guess who won the breakup?
tell him if he brings over dinner you might let him see your left boob...or right, whichever you prefer. But under no circumstances do you let him see both...unless he brings a good desert...like coffee ice cream or something
I'm fucked-out. That state of being high between fucked up and passed out.
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