he kept farting in my kitchen and blaming it on the dog. then we went to wendy's and he spent twenty minutes in the bathroom. im pretty sure he shit his pants.
you should have known when you found out he drove a mini cooper not to hang out with him.
she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?
Im holding a competition......who saw me last, and who knows how my nose got bruised? you earn points for answering either question. and for bringing me water.
Just don't have "pin the tail on the straight edge" as a party game... Please and thanks...
I jerked him off and then punched him in the face for no reason. Typical evening drinking Sailor Jerry's.
I feel like his penis would have a weird haircut because he does.
The hypnotist is here. He has a black eye and smells like tequila.
You got pulled on stage by a stripper who wore ruffled ankle socks and did jumping jacks for her dance. Then you were put in a chokehold by a security guard that almost cried because you supposedly said "fuck you!" to him.
i am one UTI away from banning your fingers from my vagina
You told me to keep you from drinking, but we both know I'm not that kind of friend.
And the next morning he asked me why I had clothes on so I said so that he could take them off again.
I feel like I shouldn't be encouraging my friends to hook up with their teachers.....but if it's for academic reasons....then I definitely encourage it.
I just wiped cum off my face with baby wipes... #momlife
The walk of shame was so much longer today. i have to start fucking guys in my own postcode.
stupid neighbors doing stupid yard work with their stupid kids when i want to do drugs in the backyard
Randomize
